Two years and three months ago today I started writing another journal. I don't mean a blog or something on the internet, but a physical, paper in a book and pen journal. I had written journals all the time as a kid, or had tried to. Back then they were mostly filled with things like, "today at school" or "this weekend with dad" type entires and were never consistent; I have tons of small journal books that have a few pages filled out and then nothing afterwards. I think most young people write journals like that. But on February 4th, 2010, when I started journaling again, I had something else in mind. While I might or might not write in it every day, it wasn't in an effort to record who I spent time with that day or what homework I had to do; it was in an effort to figure myself out. A last ditch effort to try and fix whatever was broken in me.
So I guess that begs the question, why talk about this journal now? Well, for one, it dawned on me how much (or how little) time had passed since I began that journal, and because yesterday I wrote on the last page in the physical book in which I have been journaling. When I wrote it, I also came to the realization that the journal fulfilled its purpose, even if it wasn't the way in which I had expected or wanted it to.
In writing this journal, I was wanting to write about a very specfic disorder that I have that I've dealt with since I was a young child and do not often talk about out of fear of judgement. Even now, I'm not going to mention the disorder, but what I am going to say is that when I started my last ditch effort, it was a last ditch effort to find a cure to the disorder. The disorder affects my life daily and back then it was far, far worse than it was now. It contributed to my depression, my thoughts of suicide and all the other troubles I was dealing with, and so I was desperate to find a way to get rid of it, to cure myself, because I felt like I couldn't function or be normal otherwise.
Without going into a lengthy description of everything I've written, I basically used the journal as a venting tool. Whenever my thoughts would start to spin or get out of control, I would just start writing it all down on paper, which not only helps to stop the spinning thoughts, but it also helps to create some clarity when I read or think about what I wrote. Being able to put it into a little bit more order has helped tremendously for me to identify different aspects of my actions, emotional state and pretty much everything.
I also took time to write about good days or when good things happened. Just as it's important to sort through the difficult times, knowing the good times is equally, if not more important. I think we tend to overlook the good things because we're not distressed or thinking about them. They just are, which is great, but when trying to remedy the bad, knowing the good is helpful, too.
So essentially, I recommend journaling. At least give it a try, because who knows, maybe it will work. It has been one of the agents in my "recovery," as it were. I have been able to make it through difficult times and I feel like I have been able to make a lot of good progress because of it. Of course, there is more to healing than simply journaling, but I believe it has played an integral role in getting me to where I am. I've been able to sort through some things and continue to do so, and more so, I've been able to make huge strides with the disorder I was talking about, which was my goal to begin with. Have I been "cured"? Not in the sense that I'm free of this disorder, but I think my change in perspective about everything is something great and maybe that could be considered a "cure" in it's own right.
