Each of us has things that we love to do, whether it's sports, or art, or some other activities. For me, one of those things that I used to love was bowling (I'm talking about the five-pin kind here), and now I find myself trying to explain to my bowling-obsessed friends that I just don't care. Well, don't care is not the right phrase. More that I'm just not as passionate about it anymore. Why? It wasn't simply something that went away one day, that's for sure.
When I started bowling as a kid, I really liked it. I'm not a big sports person at all, but bowling I stuck with. From the time I was about five-years-old and on, I went out every saturday for the youth league, had fun and got what little bit of socializing that I did. Over the years, I got better and better at the sport itself, and in a way, that's when my dislike of bowling started to sink in. Sounds ridiculous, right? When you start to get good at something you're usually proud and want to keep going. I was proud. I had my awards displayed on a shelf in my house (still do, although now they're more symbolic of nostalgia than anything) and I felt good going out every week. Believe me, I wanted to get better, but it gradually ended up being for all the wrong reasons.
As I got older, I became more competetive. Even in youth leagues, you start entering tournaments and going out and facing other teams from other bowling houses and even from other cities and other provinces. I ended up qualifying for a bunch of these tournaments and I would go out and bowl them. Competitiveness is not a problem in my eyes; it's the mentality that marks whether competetiveness is good or not. And my mentality wasn't one of the good ones. Whether they actually did or not, I felt (and still feel a lot of the time) that people expected more of me. I expected and expect more of myself. Bowling became about competing. It became about impressing others. It stopped being about fun.
When it stopped being about fun, it stopped, of course, being fun. I'm sure those who've bowled with me and watched me bowl could see how frustrated I'd get. For a while it was even frustrating to the point of tears because I just couldn't do as well as I felt I needed to do, especially in comparison to others. My scores started plummetting and I started to hate the sport I once loved because I just didn't feel good enough. It was true and genuine hate it to the point where I didn't want to go anymore--even when I still did go--and I stopped bowling.
A significant break came when I more or less took a year off as I started my first year of university. Mostly it was because I had class at the same time as my regular league, but at the same time it was good to take the time off. The frustration I associated with the sport dwindled because I wasn't participating and by the time I was able to go back and bowl again, I was feeling good about it. However, it wasn't long before the feelings of frustration, anger, and hatred started to surface again. Again, I had to stop. And even now I have periods where I simply do not want to bowl because I know I won't do well or I don't even have the patience to try. Indeed, there are some days where I can go out and not give a damn just how I do, but for the most part, I tend avoid it now.
I don't think I so much hate bowling anymore, but I certainly don't enjoy it as I once did. My view and impression of the sport has been tainted, and by no one but myself. Honestly, I have to distance myself from it, or else I feel like I risk hating it once again. Now when I do bowl, I mostly go for the social aspect of the sport, especially since there are certain people that I pretty much only get to see while there.
I've partly written this blog because, like I mentioned, bowling-obsessed friends don't get how I can not want to bowl. Part of that, I think, is their own passion for the sport, which I think is great and really admire, and another part of it is because I've never really gone into detail about why I have such nonchalance. Another reason I've written this blog is to put forth something I've learned. You should love something and participate in something because you love it, not because of expectations, real or imagined. For me at least, it got me into such a negative mindset that I now lack the sport I loved. There are days when I really and truly miss it, but then the memories of frustration sink in again and I'm put off by it. There's nothing wrong with wanting to improve, and there's certainly nothing wrong with being passionate. I guess what I'm trying to say is just be careful and wary about why you are doing something. Is it to impress others, or is it for yourself?
<3
I'm not obsessed lol
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